


Empty

by Bandity



Series: Lonely Mind [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I blame my friend for that one, Illness, It's me so someone is going to puke, Langst, Major injuries, Medication, Minor Injuries, One curse word that I don't usually say, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Loathing, Team as Family, Very brief mention of weight loss, Vomit, implication of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-05 23:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12199125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandity/pseuds/Bandity
Summary: The sequel to A Lonely Mind. You should read that first.Inner strength waxes and wanes. Lance finds himself facing his inner demons again when he begins having issues with his antidepressants.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided to chapter it. Three chapters ranging from 5,000 to 8,000 words. I'm hoping to have it all updated and completed by Saturday. 
> 
> I will say it again that the few negative things expressed about antidepressants are not meant to dissuade anyone from taking medication. Lance is working through some issues. I hope everyone takes care of themselves out there. 
> 
> On a side note, I listened to One More Light by Linkin Park and Hate Me by Blue October while editing this chapter. That probably did alter my writing a bit. 
> 
> Please excuse mistakes, I have been working on this for a month and I'm excited to finally share the first chapter.

_The lonely become either thoughtful or empty. -Mason Cooley_

 

"You don't have any?"

"I didn't think to pack them."

Keith frowned in thought.

They had been fighting a battle that wasn't going well. Lance and Keith had gotten separated from the others during the fight on the ground. So, of course, the Galra had set up an enemy line that successfully cut them off from their team. They had been looking for a way to the other side when they had discovered civilians fleeing into the forest. Their mission changed as neither Lance or Keith could leave bystanders without protection. They were able to get the people to a cave that worked as a shelter. They stood guard there while the war raged on and on around them for hours into the night. Shiro told them to wait. It was too risky now for them to try and make it back on their own. Shiro would come for them when there was a break in the fighting. Just wait for pickup. Defend the people. The night dragged on. At the approach of dawn, Shiro contacted them. He had found an opening in the enemy line, he was coming for them. Just hang tight.

Another varga went by and exhaustion was pulling on them both. Lance had been fidgeting constantly.

"You should carry extra," Keith said finally. Lance kicked at the ground, sending dirt into the air.

It was morning now and it was time for Lance to take his antidepressants, but when Keith asked about them, Lance immediately shut down. He went from fidgeting anxiously to crossing his arms and glaring at the ground. Everyone knew Lance's schedule and everyone worked to make sure Lance didn't forget to take the pills. Keith didn’t understand why he would be pissed off about it now. Lance said he had been feeling better generally and he had told Shiro he wanted to try going off the meds again. Shiro and Coran both didn't think it was a good idea. It had actually led to a few arguments between Lance and Shiro.

“I'm not going to do anything," Lance bit out.

"I didn't say you were,” Keith fought to keep his tone even.

"You didn't have to say. You're thinking it!"

"Lance, I wasn't thinking it!” Keith’s voice rose to match his teammate’s. “I swear! I was just worried!"

"It's not something you have to worry about!" Lance shut his eyes and clenched his fists. "It's fucking fine!"

"Dude, why are you yelling?"

"I'm not- shut up, Keith." Lance became aware of the alien eyes on him, peering out of the cave at the sudden noise. This wasn't what Lance wanted; he didn't want to scare the people they were supposed to be protecting.

Keith had stopped talking, but he was fuming. He was tired too and he was just trying to make sure that Lance took his meds. The fact that he was snapping at him was probably a sign that he needed them.

Lance stormed away from Keith and sat down on a rock on the other side of their small clearing. He kicked at the loose stones under his boot and huffed. Keith crossed his arms and turned away. If Lance wanted to be angry, then fine, Keith could be angry too.  

The moments went by in silence and they could hear explosions in the distance. Keith was just thinking that they sounded closer than before when Shiro's voice sounded in his ear.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll be with you two as soon as I can. Stand by."

"Standing by, Shiro,” Keith responded flatly.

A moment of silence went by before Lance stood up and walked slowly back towards his teammate. He shuffled his feet and cleared his throat.

"Sorry," he muttered quietly. "Please don't tell Shiro I snapped at you."

Keith unfolded his arms and studied Lance. The other boy looked completely worn out. He was pale and had huge circles under his eyes. There was also a tremor that went through his hands every time an explosion sounded in the distance. Keith imagined he didn’t look much better.

"He's going to ask about you. He always asks how you're doing," Keith said with a shrug, trying to appear calm and casual.

"Well, I'm sorry. I'm just tired. Just please don't tell him."

Keith didn't like it. He knew Shiro would want the truth when it came to Lance.

"I'm not going to lie, if he asks me if you're okay. I'm not hiding things from Shiro for you ever again."

Lance folded his arms. It really hadn't been that long ago that Keith had caught Lance having a breakdown after a battle and Lance had asked Keith and Pidge to not tell Shiro; to give Lance time. And that situation had ended with Lance nearly cutting his arm open…

"I'm fine. If you tell Shiro, he’s never going to agree to letting me go off the medication. Please, I’m _fine_."

"So you said."

"Look, I'm just tired. Anyone would be tired."

"Did you take your meds yesterday?"

Lance didn't answer him.

"Lance, come on..."

"I feel fine."

"You feel _fine_ because of the medication. I know that you know this. What are you even doing? What, do you pretend to take them and spit them out when Shiro walks away?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Lance wasn't meeting his eyes. Keith had been trying to be patient, but he was done for the day.

"Whatever. Fine." Keith felt his fatigue thrumming behind his eyelids, he just wanted to sleep. They had been awake for over a day, this wasn't a good time to have any kind of argument.

They were finally saved from any more discussion when the Black Lion appeared above them, whipping up the air around them and bending the trees. They had decided that the civilians were safe for now and the best thing they could do would be to finish this fight. Lance and Keith bid them a brief farewell and a promise to return later.

The journey back across enemy lines to their own lions was stressful, but they made it. Soon they took the fight to the sky and, even though everyone had been awake for far too long, they won.

A brittle exhaustion came upon them all. With the Galra gone from the planet and everyone safe, the paladins were ready for some sleep. Shiro made them all go by the kitchen and pick up water to stay hydrated. They hadn't eaten anything except ration bars lately, but Shiro wasn't going to force them to eat a meal when they could barely stand. They would sleep for a few vargas and then wake up for food. As they began to file out of the kitchen, Shiro grabbed Keith's shoulder and nodded towards Lance's retreating back.

"How is he?" Shiro whispered.

"Bad day," Keith shook his head. Shiro didn't ask him to elaborate, seeing that Keith wasn’t in the mood for conversation.

Shiro nodded and followed after Lance, well he tried to make it seem like he was just moving in the same direction. He didn't want to seem overbearing.

"Lance, you did really well today. Be sure to get some rest." Shiro bumped Lance's shoulder in a friendly manner. "You can take your pill when you wake up."

"I could just skip it."

Shiro stopped himself from sighing. "...We'll talk about that after you wake up."

Lance scowled, but didn't say anything. He didn’t have the energy for the same argument they’d been having off and on for the past few weeks.

"Did you need Coran to make you some of the tea to help you sleep?"

"No, I'm alright." Lance wasn't going to make anyone do anything for him. Everyone was beyond exhausted. Honestly, if he couldn't manage to sleep after being awake for a day and a half, then there was really no hope for him.

* * *

 

When Lance's head hit the pillow, his mind seemed to buzz uncomfortably. He ignored it.

_Don't be stupid. You're exhausted. There's no way your insomnia is going to kick in now._

Lance lay in the dark for several minutes.

_Keith is going to tell Shiro about what happened._

Lance reached for the headphones and shoved them over his ears. He was not doing this now.

_Shiro worries about you all the time. You make him worry. And all you do is argue with him lately._

Lance turned the music up louder.

_You hurt him by being the way you are._

Lance ripped the headphones off his head and threw them across the room.

"No," Lance whispered. "Not doing this." Lance stumbled quickly out the door. He walked past Hunk's room and Pidge's room.

 _Let them sleep. Don’t be any more of an inconvenience_.

He walked and walked, until he was at Blue's paws. He sighed heavily.

"Hey girl," Lance rubbed at his eyes, he just needed so badly to rest and for his brain to shut up. "Want to have a sleep over with me?"

Lance felt something like curious amusement brush his mind. There was concern there as well, but Lance pushed it away.

"I'm alright. Just want to hang out with my best girl."

Blue allowed him in right away. As soon as Lance was in the cockpit, he felt a comfortable warmth settle over him. It was like a familiar blanket wrapping around his mind.

_My little one._

Lance blinked hard, not really sure if he was imagining it or not. Blue didn't usually communicate in words exactly. He was way too tired to sort it out now. He grabbed an emergency blanket from the provided first aid kit and settled into the pilot's seat. It wasn't the most comfortable, but it was familiar and Lance could feel his own thoughts drift away as they were replaced with a feeling of safety.

"Thanks, Blue," Lance muttered before sleep finally claimed him.

Tucked away from everything, Lance was finally able to get his mind to rest.

It was enough for now.

* * *

 

Lance woke up to someone shaking him gently.

"Come on now, my boy, you're going to have one stiff neck if you stay here any longer."

Lance blinked blearily. "Coran?" He rasped. Lance winced as his head pounded. His mind was still foggy with exhaustion. His body felt sore from the exertion of the previous battle and the slightly awkward sleeping position.

Coran nodded and gave him a gentle smile. Lance had noticed that Coran often either looked proud or sad when he smiled at him. Today was a sad one.

"Trouble sleeping, my boy?"

"Kind of." He couldn't hide it. Everyone knew that Lance only ended up sleeping in Blue if he was feeling bad.

"I would have made the sleeping tea for you."

"No, it was fine. You and everyone were so tired already."

"I still would have, dear boy."

There was a moment of silence as Lance rubbed sleep out of his eyes and stretched his neck one way and then the other.

"Something on your mind?" Coran asked. It's what he always asked when he was worried. Lance knew the drill by now, Coran wanted to know how he was doing.

"Nothing really. Just felt a little overwhelmed." Up until recently, Lance had always tried to be honest. It had been part of the agreement after everyone found out that Lance was struggling. Lance was supposed to talk to them. He had promised.

"Overwhelmed by the battle?"

"Yeah, yeah, it was exhausting."

"But you couldn't sleep."

"No, my adrenaline was still going… I guess," Lance finished lamely.

Coran was studying him curiously. Lance felt ashamed. It was obvious he was lying, Coran could tell. He could tell that Lance was breaking his promise. Lance shut his eyes and prepared to be called out on the lie.

"Alright then, Lance." The Altean turned away from him, but Lance didn't miss the broken look that passed over his face.

"Hunk's made breakfast. You should come eat." Coran briefly sat his hand on the boy’s shoulder before he left the cockpit. After he was gone, Lance just sat there, trying to gather his thoughts.

Maybe part of him wished that Coran had kept asking.

No. That didn't work. He needed to keep it to himself. He couldn't tell them...

_At least, do this one thing right._

* * *

 

Even with sleep, everyone still looked exhausted. Breakfast was a quiet affair with all of them staring blankly between bites of food. Hunk, who was usually enthusiastic about his prepared meals, remained quiet throughout. Shiro informed them that there would be no training that day. Everyone was supposed to enjoy the day off and rest as much as possible.

"I think I'm going to take a nap," Hunk said through a yawn.

"Me too," Pidge mumbled. She had already been nodding off at the table.

"How long do you have to sleep before a nap becomes just sleeping?" Hunk wondered. "Cause my nap is probably going to be about six hours."

"I think it depends on the time of day." Pidge was talking with her eyes closed and her head resting on her palm.

Lance was trying to leave the table without being detected. Everyone seemed too tired to notice…

"Lance, wait." Shiro sounded very awake suddenly.

"I'm going back to sleep," Lance motioned to the exit and tried to look as innocent as possible. Shiro glanced quickly at Keith and then back to Lance.

Yeah, Keith had definitely snitched on him.

"You need to take your pill."

The pill in question was sitting on the table, next to Lance's half empty plate.

"But then I won't be able to sleep,” Lance countered.

"It usually only keeps you up for a varga or so. I'll stay up with you. I wanted to talk with you about something anyway."

Lance could feel everyone's eyes on him and Keith especially was staring with a deep frown. Lance walked back to the table, shoved the pill in his mouth and dry swallowed it. Keith raised an eyebrow and Lance glared at him. He opened his mouth to show that he had, in fact, swallowed the stupid thing and then he snapped his mouth shut and walked away.

"Lance!" Shiro called to him, but Lance didn't turn back around. Flustered, Shiro glanced at Coran, but the man shook his head.

"He wasn't in a very talkative mood with me either."

"I'll go talk to him. I know he's just frustrated,” Shiro was already standing from the table, the rest of his food forgotten.

"He's been frustrated for a while," Hunk muttered.

"Did he talk to you about it?" Shiro asked hopefully. Lance had been shutting him out lately, but if he was at least talking to someone...

"No, I can just tell. He's upset with himself. I don't know why."

"Alright." Shiro cleared his throat. "Everyone just take it easy. I'll take care of it."

* * *

 

Shiro found Lance sitting on his bed holding the green headphones in his hands. Lance was frantically trying to snap a piece back into place, but he wasn't having much luck. He glanced up at Shiro when he entered the room, but he didn't say anything.

"Lance," Shiro started, ready to have a serious conversation. He switched gears when he realized that Lance's hands were shaking. "Lance," Shiro repeated. He sat down carefully beside the younger boy. "What's wrong?"

Lance held the headphones up and Shiro realized they were cracked. Lance was trying to put back a piece of the casing that was broken and jagged on one side.

"Pidge is going to be mad." Lance choked on the last word and he blinked back tears.

"I'm sure we can fix them."

"I'm going to have to tell her that I broke them. I was so stupid."

"Hey, hey, you're not stupid. I'm sure you didn't mean to."

"I threw them. I was upset and I threw them!" Lance was squeezing the broken piece in his fist too tightly. Shiro reached over and carefully pulled it from his grip; he took the headphones away as well allowing Lance to bring his hands up to hide his face. Shiro set the items down on the floor gently. He then put one arm around Lance's shoulders as the boy began to cry.

Even with the medication, Lance would have bad days. However, lately Lance had been moody. He had been pretending to be okay, Shiro could tell the difference between the fake smiles and the genuine ones now. He kept slipping, his false exterior would fall away and Lance would be quick to argue, to leave a room, to start crying...

Something was going on with him. Keith had told Shiro that Lance had a bad day. After Keith had slept, the other boy suggested that Lance might not be taking his medication, insisting he was fine and didn’t need it.

"Why were you upset?" Shiro asked quietly.

"Couldn't sleep."

"Why couldn't you sleep?"

"I... I couldn't get my brain to shut up."

"Alright. You want to tell me what was on your mind?"

Lance shook his head. He hunched forward so that his chest was almost to his knees.

"Lance, it's probably because you missed taking your pills. If you take them regularly, you're going to feel better."

"I don't want them. I don't want to have to take them. I want to be normal! I don't want to be different from everyone else.”

"Hey, nobody thinks less of you because you're on antidepressants."

"I do. I do, Shiro."

"Oh, Lance." Shiro pulled the younger boy into a hug and Lance let out a choked sob. "I wish you didn't. I wish you could see yourself the way I do. You're brave and you’re good."

"I keep fighting with you and Coran and Keith. I'm not _good_."

"You're just frustrated. I can see it. But you don't have to be a certain way. You don't have to try to fit into this idea of... normal that you have. You're alright the way you are. It's alright for you to take medication."

"Shiro..." Lance took a great shuddering breath.

"What is it?" Shiro asked softly. Lance swallowed hard. He wasn't supposed to tell. He was supposed to keep it a secret.

"Lance, what is it?" Shiro insisted. He pushed Lance away so that he could look into the boy’s face.

Lance couldn't do it anymore, he wasn't okay and he could feel something inside of him breaking a little more every day. He needed to tell...

"I'm not skipping pills. I do take them. They're.... they're not really working anymore."

Shiro felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He hadn't been expecting that.

"What?" Shiro sounded dumbfounded.

"They're not working any-anymore." Lance's voice hitched on a sob.

They had worked so hard to find the medicine that worked. Lance had gone through so much already... The idea of doing it again, of starting over? Shiro felt like his blood had gone cold as he remembered how sick Lance had gotten and how terrifying it had been to never know how Lance was going to react to each different medication. He reflexively tightened his grip on Lance’s shoulders. He needed to be calm, be supportive.

"You could have told us..."

"I didn't want... I thought if I could be good enough without them, if I could convince you that I didn't need to take them anymore... I wouldn't have to tell you." Lance fell forward into Shiro’s shoulder where his tears soaked through his leader’s shirt. "I can't do it again, Shiro. I can't do it again."

Shiro heard the hysteria creeping into Lance's voice and he gently tried to shush him.

"Shhh, alright. You're alright. It's going to be alright." Shiro cradled the back of his head, trying to find a way to make Lance feel grounded. "We can try adjusting the dosage first. You might not have to do the trial medications again."

Shiro hoped it was as simple as a dosage adjustment. He didn't want to see Lance going through that again. But what could they do? Lance being miserable all the time wasn't an option. Being in the pods every other day wasn't a choice either. Shiro wanted Lance to feel okay. They would have to find something that worked. And that meant medicine trials and Lance experiencing all kinds of side effects, until they found the one that would make him feel better again.

Lance continued crying, gripping Shiro's shirt tightly in his fist. He wanted to trust Shiro's words that it would be alright, but he couldn't see it now. It didn't matter how strong they all said he was. Lance didn't think he could do this.

"We'll figure it out. It's going to be okay."

Shiro hoped he was right.

* * *

 

Shiro felt sick when he told Coran that they would need to adjust the dosage, that there was a chance the medication wasn't working at all anymore. He was in the middle of a sentence when his chest tightened exponentially. He stopped talking and shook his head. Coran asked him if he was alright and Shiro tried to nod.

"Sit down, here. Sit down, Shiro."

Shiro was grateful that he had asked Coran to step into an unoccupied lounge area where they could talk privately. Shiro sat down heavily on the couch. Coran sat down next to him and calmly folded his hands in his lap.

"Breathe," Coran prompted him. Shiro leaned forward, putting his head between his knees and taking several deep breaths. This continued for several long moments, before Shiro sat up again and shook his head. He cleared his throat and attempted to speak, but only made a choking sound. After a few more attempts, Shiro took one big deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Sorry, that doesn't usually happen,” he finally gasped out.

"You're worried for him. You worry about all of them. The last battles have been difficult on everyone. You're not alone in your fear for Lance or any of them."

"I know, I just... kept thinking that I missed it again. He was hiding and suffering and I didn't see what was wrong. Again. I keep failing Lance. Over and over..." Shiro rubbed his temples hard.

"You haven't failed anyone. Everyone, including Lance, is still here."

"All the side effects he went through last time, Coran. What if he has to do it all again? He told me that he can't do it again."

"We will be there for him. We will do our best." Coran patted Shiro's shoulder. "Is he alone right now?"

"No, I got Hunk when he calmed down a bit. He’s with him. He's fixing the headphones that Lance broke."

Coran nodded. "Well, I suppose I will make some of the tea to start. After he's slept some more, we can talk about medication options."

Shiro let out a relieved breath. Coran was going to help come up with a plan. None of them were alone in this situation.

They would work through it together.

* * *

 

They increased the dosage first. Lance didn't complain. Shiro asked him how he was feeling every day. Lance only shrugged.

Hunk dragged his mattress into Lance's room, instigating their sleepovers again. Pidge didn’t join them like last time. She was keeping herself busy, working on one project or another. They had found some Galra prisoner records and Pidge had been going through each one. Recording and reorganizing. She wasn't sleeping much at night. There were a few times when Lance awoke to find her taking up some corner of his mattress or Hunk's. Her glasses would be askew on her face and her shoes were often still on. She always looked like she had only meant to check on him, but then fallen asleep without being aware of it.

Lance liked having someone close by, but in his heart he couldn't shake the feeling of how he was inconveniencing everyone. He was always causing problems. Him and his stupid brain.

* * *

 

Shiro was sitting down to a breakfast of space goo. It was an immediate sign that Hunk hadn't been up that morning to cook anything. Shiro glanced around the table. Coran and Allura were talking quietly about plans for the day, Keith was eating, but Shiro didn't miss the way his eyes darted around to everyone present at the table. Keith’s eyes stopped on Pidge and lingered there. Shiro followed his gaze. Pidge had her face down in her folded arms on the table. Her food sat untouched beside her.

"Pidge, did you sleep last night?" Shiro asked. Pidge made a grumbling noise and didn't look up. Shiro sighed. Afternoon training was going to be an issue if Pidge didn't manage a nap before then. She was grumpy when she was sleep deprived and when she was grumpy, everyone else suffered too.

Shiro continued eating, thinking of ways to get Pidge to take a nap before training. She looked tired enough to fall asleep at any moment, but she had the worst habit of not sleeping when left on her own. Her new project was keeping her from resting.

Shiro was mulling over his options when Hunk came into the room. He only had to glance at him to realize something was wrong. Hunk looked upset and Shiro had an idea what had happened before the boy spoke a single word to him.

Lance's chair was empty. The fact that Hunk's chair was also vacant was usually a sign that Lance was having some trouble starting his day.

"Shiro," was all Hunk said and then Shiro was up from his seat. He glanced quickly at Coran and noted the look of concern that crossed the man's face. Shiro waved his hand in what he hoped was a placating gesture. He would go and see what had happened and let Coran know if they needed help later.

"He having a bad day?" Shiro asked as he followed Hunk into the hallway.

"I don't think he slept very well last night," Hunk reported. "He seemed upset yesterday and he told me to go back to my room, that he didn't need me to sleep there. He said he didn't want to be around anyone."

"Did you leave him alone?"

"No, I told him I wanted to stay. He eventually let me and I tried to stay up to make sure he was alright, but I fell asleep. I woke up early this morning and found him crying. I can't get him to talk to me, but maybe he'll talk to you?"

"I'll try," Shiro said, ignoring the bleak feeling settling in his heart.

They stopped at Lance’s door, but Hunk hung back.

"Maybe... Maybe it's me. Just try to talk to him. I'll just wait here."

Shiro wanted to argue, Hunk had provided so much support for Lance in the past few months. However, Lance always hesitated to share his gloomiest thoughts with Hunk.

"I don't want to make him sad too," Lance shared with Shiro once. Shiro tried to tell Lance that Hunk wanted to help and wanted to listen, but Lance had just shaken his head at the idea.

Shiro nodded at Hunk and let the door slide shut behind him. He approached the cocoon of blankets, listening to Lance's breathing, which was hitching with quiet sobs.

"Lance, it's me," Shiro announced his presence, in case the boy had been too upset to notice the door.

Lance's breathing went silent, he was holding his breath, stopping himself from crying.

"Hey, don't do that." Shiro leaned over and gently pulled back some of the blanket that was covering Lance's face. "Breathe," Shiro instructed.  

Lance let out a great shuddering breath along with a choked apology.

"You don't need to apologize." Shiro placed two fingers on Lance's neck and checked his pulse. It seemed alright. Shiro then brushed his hand through Lance's hair, pushing his bangs away from his forehead and getting a clearer picture of Lance.

Lance had tears running down his face and into his pillow, which was already soaked from crying. Shiro sat down carefully on the bed next to Lance. He leaned his back against the wall and took a few steadying breaths, contemplating what approach would be best.

"What's going on, Lance?"

Lance shook his head and moved one arm to cover his face.

"It's st-stupid," Lance stammered.

"I'm sure it's not."

There was a moment where Lance just struggled to breathe and Shiro took a few deep breaths along with him. Lance didn't seem to be able to calm down, so Shiro decided to start talking. It had worked in the past and he hoped it would work this time.

"Breathe in... It's not stupid. Breathe out. Nobody thinks it's stupid. Breathe in... Breathe out. We just want you to be okay. Breathe in... I don't mind sitting with you. Out… in…"

Lance was breathing more regularly now. His tears had mostly stopped and he was listening intently to Shiro's voice.

"Nobody should have to cry alone, Lance."

Lance slowly turned, looked up at Shiro and then he glanced away again. A few more tears escaped and Lance wiped them away and swallowed hard.

"I don't want people to have to sit with me. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and do what I'm supposed to do."

"We all have problems sleeping sometimes. You're not alone in that. Did you sleep last night at all?"

"Not very much."

"Did you take the sleeping tea?"

"Yeah, but I woke up again."

"Alright, well let's just try to relax."

"I can't. The double dosage isn't working, Shiro. It's not."

Shiro took one deep steadying breath.

"We can wait a few more days, it might just take a while. I think you-"

"It's getting worse," Lance interrupted.

"How much worse?"

Lance shrugged and rubbed at his eyes. Shiro measured out his words carefully.

"Were you considering hurting yourself again?" It felt like something had sucked the air out of the room while Shiro waited for a response.

"I know it's not an option." Lance pulled his knees up and buried his face into the blanket there. His body shuddered, signaling that he had started crying again. Shiro released a breath he was holding. He wrapped his arms around Lance as best he could and just let Lance cry.

Amongst the sobs, Lance talked, sputtering out his thoughts and worries and everything that he was usually too terrified to voice.

“…And Coran said I could keep some pills in the armor in case I needed them. But I gave him back the handful he gave me. I told him I’d rather not carry around that many. That it wasn’t a good idea… He looked so upset about it and he thanked me, but I think I broke his heart, like I broke m-mom’s... I’m not going to do anything, I’m not. But sometimes, sometimes everything is so _hard_ … It scares me. I scare my-myself…”

Shiro was holding onto Lance as though he could keep him together by force. He could keep Lance safe, if he just held onto him long enough. He murmured quiet assurances into Lance’s hair while the boy cried more tears than he thought he had.

Eventually, the sobs slowed and Lance was taking deep, shaking breaths, trying to get a hold of himself. They both sat in silence for a long time, until Lance squirmed out of Shiro’s grip with an apology. Shiro remained close, until he was sure that Lance had calmed down enough. He wanted to talk to Lance more, but he knew that the boy was too exhausted to have any more conversation. Shiro would have to check in with Coran, he hadn’t known anything about Lance refusing to keep pills in his armor. He added it to the long list of things he needed to take care of. He would just have to think about it later.

"In a little while, do you think you can help me with something?" Shiro broke the silence.

"What is it?" Lance asked, his voice rough from crying.

"Pidge didn't sleep last night. And I know she sleeps when she is in here with you... So I was hoping that you could kind of keep an eye on her? If she comes in here to keep you company, there's a good chance she'll fall asleep. Do you think you're up to that?"

"I just need to be here, that's it?"

"Yeah, that's it. Just be here."

"Okay."

They spent a few more quiet minutes together until Shiro left the room to find Pidge. He was concentrating on taking deep breaths when he realized the hallway he had stepped into was far from vacant. Hunk had sat down just outside the door and Keith had found his way there to Hunk's side. There was evidence of tears on Hunk's face and Keith had one hand perched on Hunk's shoulder.

They both looked up at Shiro expectantly.

"Keith, can you go get Pidge for me?"

Keith nodded and he gave Hunk’s shoulder a squeeze before he stood up. Shiro watched him walk away before sitting down beside Hunk.

"It's not your fault. You know that right?"

Hunk nodded. "I'm trying to... keep him out of his own head, but I can't."

"You're doing fine. You help him so much. I know you do."

Hunk nodded, but he didn't look like he believed it. Shiro pressed his arm into Hunk’s and Hunk only hesitated briefly before he leaned into Shiro’s support. They sat like that for several long moments.

When Keith showed up with Pidge, she looked concerned. Tired, but concerned.

"Pidge," Shiro stood up, "I need to ask you for a favor."

"Yeah, what is it?"

"You haven't had a chance to talk to Lance recently, right?"

"Yeah, I'm just... keeping myself busy. It's not like I don't want to."

"I know, I know. But you see, Lance thinks he's taking up too much of my and Hunk’s time. And since the two of you haven't had a lot of time together, I was hoping you could sit with him and he would just see it as the two of you finally getting a chance to hang out."

"Sit with him?"

"Yes, just be there, I'm hoping he falls back to sleep."

"Um, yeah, I can do that. Of course."

"Thank you," Shiro smiled gratefully.

When Shiro checked on them one varga later, Pidge was passed out on the mattress, curled up next to Lance who was also sleeping soundly.

Shiro left them as quietly as he could. Once he was alone in the hall, he let out a deep sigh.

Small victories.

* * *

 

Lance was running.

The Galra had been developing tech that the team believed they were using to try and listen in on Voltron and the castleship’s frequency. Nothing had been proven for sure, but until they got rid of this base responsible for the tech, they were running on silent. Lance heard the first explosion that was the signal for him to haul ass out of there. And he had run for Blue just like he was supposed to. It was dark and he didn't have much cover amongst the dirt and rocks. So he had to go at a full sprint. He was out in the open and the bomb he set would be going off in about 6 dobashes. They had been over maps of the area again and again. Shiro had worried about Lance being alone, but he didn’t pull him from the mission. Lance wanted to be useful, he needed to see himself as useful. There was the second explosion from the other side of the base; Pidge had been successful in setting her bomb.

_Run until you see that big rock, turn left. Run like hell. The ground will slant._

Lance's newest medication that he was trying seemed to cause his attention to wander. He had a hard time concentrating during meetings, but he insisted he was fine.

_Run like hell. The ground will slant._

He wasn't stupid. Shiro said so. The meds made him scatterbrained, but he could do this. He had told Shiro not to worry.

_Please don't worry. I'm fine. I'm still a part of this team._

There was the third explosion. Hunk would be at the yellow lion by now.

_The ground will slant…_

His legs were burning from the exertion. He checked the timer that was counting down in the corner of his visor.

Only 50 more ticks. Where had the time gone? He needed to be at his lion when the explosion went off, that was the plan.

_The ground...._

It wasn’t slanting. Had he done something wrong? _Left at the rock, run fast_...

No.

 _Right_ at the rock.

Lance skidded to a halt and took a hard right. He swore under his breath. He messed up. He messed up. He felt his breathing catch in his throat.

_No no no. Not now. Don't freak out._

Just run. Run run run run. He shut his eyes, the sound of his feet slapping the hard earth reverberating in his ears.

Until there was an abrupt silence.

One foot met only air and he pitched forward. Tumbling head over heels.

A gasp, a feeling of weightlessness.

He slammed into sharply slanted ground and violently rolled. Rocks came loose around him and he tried to right himself. The ground disappeared completely in a sheer drop and he was falling.

It was almost like floating in space.

That was the last thing Lance remembered.

* * *

 

Lance woke up with a gasp and a feeling of biting cold stretching along his back. His head swam and he tried to focus on what he was seeing, but it was just darkness.

What had happened? What was going on?

There had been a mission.

Right.

He was running to Blue.

He had fallen?

Must have.

Lance thought he tasted copper in the back of his throat. He struggled to draw in breath around the wetness that was choking him. There was a gurgling noise and a sharp pain in his chest. Something wasn't right with his lungs.

Lance felt panic bubbling up to the surface. He couldn't breathe.

Distantly he became aware of a voice in his ear.

Oh.

They were saying his name.

"Shiro, we're going to find him. Calm down." Keith sounded upset.

The mission must have been successful, if the team was using the communications again. So Lance’s explosive must have gone off.

That was good. At least he wasn’t a complete failure.

"He should be around there. That's where the tracking ends," Coran was talking quickly.

"'m he..." Lance breathed out. His tongue wasn't cooperating. His air wasn't cooperating either. The chatter went silent and then everyone erupted at once.

"Was that him?"

"Lance! Lance!"

"What was he saying?"

"Lance can you hear me? Can you tell me where you are?"

He grunted again. He managed to lift one arm up before it flopped back to the ground, useless.

"'sss dar..." Lance tried. He coughed weakly, felt something warm drip from the corner of his mouth. Lance groaned. He felt a pain in his shoulders as he tried to move. Everything hurt so much and his arms didn't seem to want to move. How far had he fallen?

Lance looked around, but he couldn't see properly. They were all still talking to him, trying to get him to tell them where he was. But he didn't know exactly where...

"I see him, I see him!"

Lance felt the air and the ground tremble as the red lion landed nearby. There was light now, Lance could see the outline of Red against the dark night.

"Lance!" Keith was there. He made a sort of gasping sound and then he was talking quickly into his comlink.

"Shiro, I don't know. I don't know if I should move him. It looks like he fell off this cliff. It’s far… It looks like a head injury, his arm looks broken too. There’s blood…"

There was a long pause as Keith took several deep breaths and listened to his private comlink.

"Will the pods fix it, if his spine is injured? What if I make it worse?"

Keith listened intently for a moment and then he nodded.

"Understood. We're heading back now."

Keith swallowed and looked at Lance who was blearily staring at him, fighting to stay conscious.

"We gotta go, I'm sorry about this." Keith lifted Lance with some difficulty. He was trying to be careful, but Lance still cried out. Keith apologized over and over as he moved Lance into Red's cockpit. He sat him on the floor as gently as he could before taking over the controls and getting them out of there.

"Keith..." Lance forced out.

"Don't talk. You're okay." Keith wasn't looking at him. Lance wondered if it was like when little kids don't look at the things that scare them. As if not seeing them, makes them less real.

Lance coughed. The blood splattered on the floor was the last thing he saw before everything faded out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do leave me a comment as I will be having a tough week coming up. Your words really do encourage me.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please ignore mistakes. I'm going to fix them when I can. Once again I was too excited to wait too long to post it. 
> 
> Songs I listened to this time: Darling I Do by Landon Pigg and Lucy Schwartz and How to Save a Life by The Fray.

When Lance awoke from the pod, it was only Shiro, Coran and Hunk who were there to greet him. It was unusual. No matter what, the whole team had always been there when he woke up from a pod.

Hunk hugged him, but he seemed subdued. Usually he gave bone crushing hugs, it was a quality Lance liked about him.

"I'm glad you're alright," Hunk said in a hushed voice.

"Sorry. Sorry to worry you." It was the only reason Lance could think why Hunk was acting weird. His friend must have just been worried for him. It had been a while since Lance had been in a pod after all.

Hunk looked so sad and then he cleared his throat and it was all covered with a fake grin and a forced joviality.

"I'm making dinner. We got something like potatoes. I was going to mash them up for mashed potatoes.”

"Awesome," Lance said, but his voice sounded hollow. He felt so tired. Hunk hugged him again, carefully, as if he was worried Lance would break. Soon Hunk took his leave, saying something about getting dinner ready.

"Can you sit down with me for a minute?" Shiro asked as soon as Hunk left the room.

"Yeah, alright." Lance eased down onto one of the steps near the pod and Shiro sat next to him, but far enough away that they could easily turn to face each other. Coran suddenly became very busy in the background with something on the computer.

Shiro opened and closed his mouth, trying to decide how to start.

"Lance," Shiro took a deep breath, "how do you feel?"

"Fine. Kind of tired."

“Coran says you might feel a little numb in your legs. Your spine was injured, but it should be fine.” Shiro glossed it over with a wave of his hand. He had already decided not to tell Lance how they had been worrying that the pod wouldn’t fix it, how they feared his spine was irreversibly damaged. No, Lance didn’t need to know how they thought he might be paralyzed when Keith carried him from the red lion. The damage hadn’t been as bad as they initially thought, but Lance might still need some extra time to feel completely well.

Lance bobbed his knees up and down. “They feel okay,” he reported.

"Alright, good. Do you remember what happened?"

"I guess I tripped and I fell. It’s kind of fuzzy now."

"Do you know how far off course you were?"

"No," Lance felt embarrassment burn his face. "I ran the wrong way," he admitted quietly.

"Right. You did, that’s okay. Look, I know it was dark, but the drop was obvious. You really didn't see it?"

"I wasn't looking." Lance was bringing his knees up to his chest. It had been a mistake, a really stupid mistake and Lance knew that. He had already suffered the consequences. Did Shiro really need to reprimand him for it? Well, he was the leader. Lance supposed it was part of his job.

"Lance, just... listen, I'm not going to be angry at you..." Shiro put his hand out in the space between them, considering touching Lance's shoulder, but then thought better of it. "Did you... did you mean to?"

Lance only stared. Did he mean to get lost? Did he mean to fall? Of course not!

Lance opened his mouth to tell Shiro that he wouldn't fall on purpose, but the words died in his throat when he saw Shiro's expression.

"You think I hurt myself on purpose,” Lance said flatly.

"Look I know it's been difficult lately..."

"You think I-I jumped. You think I did it on purpose. I wouldn't endanger a mission like that!"

Shiro stared at him, contemplating, recalling the time, not long ago, when Lance got shot in the leg at the end of a fight. It had been dangerous and Shiro knew that Lance was ashamed of it. That he would never want to endanger a mission like that again. And yet…

"You don't believe me."

"Lance, I just... sometimes you hide things from us. I need to be sure-"

"I wouldn't have done it like that. I’m not going to endanger a mission on purpose!"

"Lance! You wouldn't have done it like that? Do you hear yourself? What am I supposed to think?"

"I wouldn't endanger a mission... I was trying to do it right, I was trying..."

"I don't care about the mission. I care about you! I don't want you hurting yourself at all."

"Well I haven't been!" Lance felt a sense of betrayal. He had been trying so hard and now they thought he had done this on purpose. He shouldn’t have told Shiro about not accepting the pills from Coran, he shouldn’t have opened up to Shiro at all.

Though in the back of his mind, hadn't it been reckless to run without looking? Had he not been thinking it through? Maybe because a part of him didn't care what happened?

Lance shook his head. It was an accident.

"Lance..."

Shiro was trying so hard, was caring so much and Lance was making everything worse. He couldn't do anything right lately.

"It wasn't like that," Lance blinked back tears. This is why Hunk had looked so heartbroken. Tears started to drop down Lance's face and he let them fall. "That's why everyone's not here? They all think I’ve lost it… again."

"Everyone just wanted to give you a little space. They're all waiting to see you. We were all worried about you."

Shiro cautiously put his hand on Lance's arm, but Lance didn't lean into the touch. He needed to be sure that Shiro understood.

"I haven't tried to d-do anything since that time when Keith caught me with the knife. I swear Shiro."

Shiro took a deep breath and he moved his hand to Lance's shoulder.

"But you've thought about it."

Lance thought about a lot of things. There amongst the self-hatred and the swirling dark, yes, he thought it would be so much easier to get put in a pod. But he couldn't do it again. Hurting himself wasn't an option anymore.

But maybe he could have been paying more attention…

"I'm not going to do that again. I won't."

"Alright, Lance. Alright. Look, I just think it would be best if you weren't on your own for a while. Until we find a new antidepressant that works well, just have one of us with you."

Shiro didn't believe him. Shiro didn't believe that he hadn't gotten hurt on purpose. That stung and it hurt his chest to think about.

"Can I go now? Can I please go? I'll go to the kitchen. Hunk's there, so it's fine right?"

"Lance, I'm not trying to make things harder for you. I just want you safe."

"I get it. Can I go?" Lance was already standing, blinking rapidly to fight back tears.

"Yeah," Shiro's own voice sounded rough as though he had something lodged in his throat.

When the door shut behind Lance, Shiro let out a heavy sigh and he rubbed at his temples. What was he supposed to do? What the hell was he supposed to do?

He jumped at the hand on his back. Coran immediately stepped away, giving Shiro about an arm’s length of space.

"Sorry, Takashi."

Coran had seemed fascinated when Shiro had told him his whole name. After he learned about it, Coran made use of the knowledge, though only occasionally and never around the others.

Shiro breathed in and out through his nose, though the air never really travelled well when he did that. His sinuses were scarred and irreparably damaged.

Coran was sitting beside him now, but not too close, waiting patiently.

"What should I do?" Shiro finally asked.

"There isn't much you can do. You listen when he's ready."

"There has to be more."

"Well... you can try trusting him with something."

"I can't have him hurt himself again."

"No, well, listen, Lance doesn't want to hurt himself, that’s not his goal. He wants to feel better. He has shared a lot with everyone. Try sharing something with him."

"I don’t want to tell him about his spinal injury. I didn’t want to scare him.”

"That’s a different matter. I mean, just talk with him about something besides himself. See where that leads."

"Alright," Shiro mumbled. Coran placed a hand on his shoulder, Shiro didn't flinch away this time.

"It's going to work out."

Shiro hoped Coran was right.

* * *

 

Contrary to what everyone seemed to believe, Lance was actually going to go see Hunk. He stopped by his room to change into regular clothes. He discarded the under armor that they hadn't had time to remove, it was a sign that it had been an emergency to get him into the pod.

When he walked into the kitchen, Pidge was there too, sitting on the counter. She hopped off at the sight of him and walked a few paces before hesitantly holding out her arms. Lance took the last steps into her embrace and held her close.

"Sorry I worried you," Lance muttered. Hunk was smiling so carefully at him. It wasn't right. Hunk shouldn't be looking at Lance like one of them was going to fall apart any minute. Lance held out one arm to Hunk, his gaze questioning. Hunk joined them in a group hug and Lance sighed. The hurt feeling in his chest dissipated slightly.

"Hunk," Lance finally broke the quiet. Hunk loosened his grip and stepped back, allowing Pidge room to breathe again. "I promise it was an accident." Lance was surprised at how badly his voice shook. "Please believe me." Lance could feel tears stinging his eyes. He needed someone to believe him. He needed his friends to believe...

"Alright." Hunk cleared his throat and blinked back his own tears. "I believe you."

Lance released a breath and looked down at Pidge who still had her arms wrapped around him.

"Pidge?" Lance questioned. She looked up at him and he didn't miss the way her eyes watered.

"Don't you ever do anything like that again."

"I'll try..."

"No, promise me."

"Pidge..." Hunk tried to intervene, to smooth things over.

"Alright. I promise, okay?"

"Good." Pidge finally released him and she brushed her sleeve across her eyes quickly.

"I gotta go. I'll be back." Pidge made a hasty exit, not bothering to look back at her friends.

* * *

 

Pidge removed the metal panel, honestly, it had been removed so many times that the metal was beginning to warp. She probably shouldn't even bother putting it back. Pidge crawled into the tunnel and took an immediate right. It was an old maintenance passageway that ran behind some of the castleship's walls, Pidge assumed it was left over from when they were installing all the wiring when the ship was being built. She had discovered the tunnels by accident when she was looking for a way to put an outlet in the wall. The more surprising thing she had found was that she was actually the second person to discover the small tunnel network. Pidge dropped down and then walked into a larger section of the tunnel. It was the perfect size for her; she could walk without her head touching the ceiling.

Keith always had to crouch down when he walked through.

Pidge approached the pile of blankets and pillows cautiously.

When she had first discovered Keith's nest, she had thought it was kind of funny, but Keith had become so embarrassed by it and she had hated the way he had looked when his secret had been found out. Like his heart was crushed. Pidge had sworn not to tell a soul and she intended to keep her promise. It had been hours though and Keith hadn't emerged from his blanket cocoon. People were going to start asking questions.

"Keith," Pidge sat down on the pillow that had been designated as hers for her visits there. Keith slowly sat up, stifling back a yawn.

"Lance is awake,” he muttered. Keith had already known it was time; he just hadn't been able to leave to face it yet.

"Yeah, he's awake."

"Alright." Keith started gathering his things. He avoided her gaze while he began shoving his feet into his boots.

"Are you mad at him?" Pidge asked.

"No, I'm not mad."

"He says it was an accident."

Keith grunted.

"You think he's lying to us?"

"I hope he's not." Keith had not forgotten how Lance had used a sparring match to acquire an injury so that he could go into a pod. And Keith hadn't forgotten the way Lance looked as he brought a knife down to his wrist…

He told himself that he had forgiven Lance a long time ago.

But he still remembered it all.

Keith absently picked up a discarded water pouch and drank the last few drops from it. He then ran his hands through his hair, trying to get it to settle down, before he stood up in a slightly hunched position. Keith's hideaway had other provisions too. Along with water, there were rations bars and a small first aid kit. He had been slowly taking blankets from the unused rooms around the castleship and he had now managed to build an impressive nest. 

Sometimes, Keith just needed a place to get away from everyone.

He didn't seem to mind Pidge though, but she still tried to give him space and make sure he resurfaced before anyone else could really start looking for him.

Pidge picked up a little piece of tech she had left behind on her last trip there. It was something she had been working on for a few weeks, but she hadn't been able to finish it yet.

"You staying?" Keith asked.

"No, I'll come with you." Pidge pocketed her project and stood up. "He's in the kitchen. Hunk is with him." Pidge had quickly added the last part, knowing that Keith would worry about Lance in the kitchen alone.

Keith nodded.

"Are you alright?" Pidge blurted out. Honestly, she had wanted to ask for a long time. Usually, Shiro was the one to check, but Keith had been avoiding everyone the past few days and Shiro had been worrying a lot over Lance. They could all see how it was bothering him. How hard Shiro was trying to find a way to fix everything.

Keith looked over at Pidge and she was nearly startled by it, she wasn't used to him being at her eye level or even maintaining eye contact for that long.

Keith seemed to be deciding whether or not to tell her something.

"I'm... okay."

Pidge sighed. Hopefully, Shiro would be able to talk to him soon. They both started walking toward the exit. She hadn't expected Keith to speak up again.

"Are you alright?" he asked. He linked his fingers together and lowered them, preparing to give her a boost up to the ledge she had dropped down earlier. Pidge hesitated before setting her foot in his hands.

"I don't know. Why?"

Keith boosted her up to the ledge. After she scrambled up, she knelt there and waited for him to climb after her, prepared to assist him if he actually needed it.

Keith had clambered up with no problem and was soon kneeling beside her. They would have to crawl the rest of the way. Luckily, the tunnel was wide enough that they could still move side by side at least.

"You don't sleep much," Keith commented, as if Pidge didn't know she was staying up most nights, as if it wasn't completely obvious to everyone.

"Sometimes it's better to keep busy."

"Yeah."

They were almost out of the tunnel when Keith spoke again. It was so quiet that she almost missed it.

"I thought he was going to die."

Pidge stopped and she pivoted to look at Keith. He was staring hard at the floor.

"I just kept thinking that I wasn’t going to be able to save him this time."

Lance had been spitting blood, choking on it. Keith had been certain that moving him was going to kill him, but he hadn't had a choice. They were still fighting, it wasn't safe for Lance to stay there. _He hadn't had a choice_. But if Lance had died it would have been his fault. He knew it would have been.

Then when they had all sat down to debrief over the mission, the idea had been brought up that it wasn't an accident. This would have been far from the first time Lance had decided to hurt himself. They had been careless and Keith had been stupid. They never should have left Lance alone. Keith should have realized. He was observant, he should have picked up on it...

Pidge was hugging him so hard that he felt the air rush out of his lungs.

"But you found him. You saved him. And it wouldn’t have been your fault if… if…" Pidge sounded like she was starting to cry. Keith slowly wrapped his arms around her shoulders.

"Yeah, alright," Keith mumbled. He didn't want her to cry. He didn't want to be the reason for that.

He would try his best to believe her.

* * *

 

Lance was only allowed to stir and taste test. He knew the reason why he wasn't allowed to chop or peel, but it still hurt. He might as well be wearing a sign that said 'Defected' across it. He was focusing on Hunk's explanation of the food when he realized they weren't alone anymore. He turned, seeing Keith and Pidge standing in the doorway. Pidge elbowed Keith, prompting him to speak.

"How are you?" Keith asked quickly. Lance blinked, forgetting to stir.

"Tired," Lance settled on. He shrugged as if he wasn’t bothered by the way they were all staring at him now.

"Alright." Keith started to move away, he wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. Lance looked uncomfortable; it would probably be easier if he just left. Pidge grabbed him by the elbow and dragged him into the room.

"Hunk, what are you making besides the mashed potatoes?" Pidge asked, keeping one hand on Keith's arm the entire time. "Can we help?"

"I'm making a soup, salad and hopefully this tastes something like turkey. I haven't figured out a good stuffing yet, but I'm close. I have some pies baking as well."

"Awesome. What can we do?"

"You guys can peel potatoes if you want."

"Great."

Soon the kitchen settled into a working quiet with Hunk confidently directing them on their different tasks.

Pidge eventually ended up sitting on the counter and sneaking bites of food between talking to Hunk about her latest project, instead of working on the meal prep.

She was noticeably not mentioning the research she had been doing into the Galra prisoners; a sure sign that it hadn't been going well.

"Coran showed me how to use this whole databank they have. There's a lot of research on Altean animals. There are visuals and audio and everything. I found some files about their research into other planets. It's all outdated, but some of it is useful. I've compiled a list of helpful information. Where the air is breathable for humans, where it's not..."

Hunk nodded along, only interrupting her explanations to offer instruction to Lance, who was making sure nothing burned, and Keith, who was slowly cutting his way through a mountain of vegetables.

Hunk found his way over to Lance and stood shoulder to shoulder with him. He was trying to appear to casually look at the progress of the soup when he leaned in and whispered something to his friend. Pidge watched the exchange curiously, but she kept talking, directing her attention at Keith. Keith nodded along, though his attention was split between her and observing Lance and Hunk.

Lance muttered something that Hunk nodded in response to. He set a hand on Lance's back and Lance looped his arm around Hunk's shoulders automatically.

"It's fine," Hunk said a bit more loudly. "Don't worry about it. It's ok. We're all fine."

Lance muttered something else.

"I can ask him for you, if you want?" Hunk suggested, but Lance shook his head.

Keith felt his ears go a bit red. He knew they were talking about him. Maybe Lance wanted him to leave. He shouldn't have let Pidge drag him in here...

"Keith!" Hunk called across the kitchen. "Are you mad at Lance?"

Lance turned sharply, but Hunk just patted his friend’s back.

"N-no," Keith stammered.

"See?" Hunk said quietly, turning back to the stove with Lance. "He's just worried. That's his worried face."

"You're scowling," Pidge explained when Keith looked at her in confusion.

"Sorry," Keith continued chopping vegetables. He wasn't mad. He was just frustrated and, yes, worried. And, to be completely honest, he didn't trust Lance to tell the truth about falling from the cliff. He hoped that it wasn't on purpose; he tried to believe it wasn’t, but he couldn't easily overlook the past experiences he'd had with Lance. This felt like the time they’d found him aiming his gun at himself. It was too familiar and terrifying.

Hunk soon ordered them all out of the kitchen. He wanted to finish everything up by himself, claiming that none of them had the gift of food presentation. They were heading to the dining room to wait, when they met Shiro in the hall.

"Lance, can I talk to you for a second?"

Lance wanted to say no, but Shiro looked desperate. Lance really was worrying him too much. He needed to stop doing that.

"Yeah," Lance broke away from the others and followed Shiro into the closest common area. They both took a seat on a plush couch and Shiro took several deep breaths before he finally spoke.

"I'm sorry."

Lance stared blankly. He wasn’t really sure what Shiro was sorry about. Was it for not believing him? Well, that was… fine, but when Lance really thought about it, it was his own fault that Shiro didn’t believe him. Lance was always messing things up.

"I should have talked to you before I came to any conclusion about your fall. I'm sorry."

Lance swallowed, feeling like there was something lodged in his throat suddenly. "I... I mean... I understand why. It's my fault."

"No, don't say that. I don't want you putting any more blame on yourself. Let's just start over." Shiro cleared his throat. "You really gave us a scare. I'm glad you're alright, Lance."

Lance smiled slightly. "Okay, thank you, I guess." He could start over if Shiro was willing to.

"Now, do you think you need to take medication or can we wait, considering you just got out of the pod?"

"I wanna wait," Lance spoke quickly, stumbling over the words in his haste.

"Alright. The last meds you were on... They were giving you problems, right?"

"Yeah, I couldn't concentrate. They made me even more stupid."

"You're not stupid, Lance... Okay, listen. This stays between us for now alright?"

"Alright..." Lance leaned a little further in. He knew how to keep a secret, though he couldn’t imagine what Shiro would want to tell him.

"Coran made some new medication that doesn't seem to have a lot of side effects. At least it doesn't for me, so maybe it will work for you too."

Lance blinked, absorbing what Shiro said.

"For... you?" Lance whispered. Surely he had heard wrong.

Shiro nodded. "I don't sleep well at night. I walk the halls and lately I've been doing that in this state of… panic, I guess. I check on everything and everyone to the point that it could be considered paranoia. Coran finds me in the early morning, just sitting in whatever hallway trying to calm down. So he suggested I try some of the new medication he'd been working on."

Lance's eyes had gone wide, but he didn't speak, so Shiro continued.

"I thought it would be a good way to try things out, so it's not always you being the guinea pig. And I was… I needed the help. My mind is loud sometimes..."

"You too?" Lance said in awe. "Shiro, you take pills too?"

"Yeah, me too. For a few weeks now."

Lance thought of all the times he had told Shiro that he had felt worthless for being on the medication and how could he had said that, when Shiro was going through something similar?

"I'm so sorry, Shiro."

"Hey, there's no reason to be sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I-"

Lance cut off Shiro with a hug. Shiro only hesitated a moment before he returned the embrace.

"It's going to be okay, Lance. We're going to figure it all out."

Lance nodded and clung to Shiro as if everything depended on it.

* * *

 

For a few weeks, everything was alright. Lance felt pretty good and missions went by smoothly. Then they were on a planet, moving some civilians, when Lance felt the first pulls of despondency that always crept up on him. That feeling of being worthless and the anxiety that came when he knew he was going to make a mistake.

_You're really too stupid to be here._

_They would be better without you._

"Hey, Hunk," Lance called, forcing his voice to sound level.

_You're going to mess this up and you're going to get them killed._

"Yeah, what's up?" Hunk called from across the road.

"I think I need... a break."

Hunk was squeezing by civilians as politely as he could in his rush to get to Lance’s side. Something in Lance's voice must have given him away.

"You need to sit, maybe?" Hunk asked. He was trying to figure out if this was Lance about to have a panic attack or of his friend just needed a short moment to rest.

"No, I think I need to stop. I don't want to be here." Lance had promised that he would be honest when the effects of the pod wore off. But it sounded so stupid and selfish.

Hunk was soon on the comlink, arranging for Pidge to come take over directing people. They weren't under direct attack right now. The move was more cautionary than anything, so it should be fine for them to take a break.

They walked back to where Blue was waiting for them and they sat between her two paws. Lance always felt more comfortable around his lion.

"I'm going to have to start with the meds again," Lance said quietly.

"Yeah," Hunk responded. He was trying to decide if he should put an arm around Lance. Lance had been spending a lot of time with Hunk the past few weeks. Shiro hadn't wanted Lance alone. Even through their leader claimed that he believed Lance, he didn't think it was a good idea for him to be left on his own. Lance had agreed to it. He actually enjoyed being around others. So it wasn't that bad. It had only been in the past few days when he started thinking that Hunk was wasting his time on him.

“You don’t have to stay, Hunk. You can go help with the mission, I’ll be right here.” Lance didn’t want to be a burden to his friends. They didn’t deserve that.

"I don't want you crying alone. I’m here, okay?"

"Hunk," Lance started, but he was cut off when he took in a shaky gulp of air. He shut his eyes and clenched his fists.

"What is it?"

"I'm not a hundred percent sure it was an accident."

"Oh."

Lance felt like his heart had broken at the confession. He had spent weeks denying it, swearing to them all that it hadn't been on purpose. Lance could blame the meds that had scrambled his brain and the panic that had gripped him...But in the end, Lance had been running without looking.

Because a part of him still didn't care about getting hurt.

He had been negligent and he had fallen into it so easily, it was automatic. He hadn't even had to think about.

Hunk was blinking back tears.

"Oh," he repeated. Unable to voice anything else.

"I didn't mean to, it's just like a reflex I guess. I can't explain it right. I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible person, I'm terrible-"

Hunk was grabbing him in a hug so tight that Lance couldn't breathe.

"You're not terrible."

"I lied to you."

"It's what you wanted to believe, I understand okay?"

"I'm really screwed up.” Warm tears trailed down Lance’s face.

"You're going to be okay."

"You should hate me."

"Never. Absolutely never. I forgive you." Hunk shook as he said it, unable to hold back his own tears any longer.

Lance started sobbing hard.

_You don't deserve your friends._

* * *

 

Lance was miserable.

He had confessed to Shiro about falling not on purpose, but not completely on accident either.

And Shiro had forgiven him. He thanked Lance for telling him. That all just made Lance feel so much worse. He didn't deserve their kindness.

It was almost refreshing when Keith found out and gave him a kind of betrayed look. Keith disappeared for a while after that and Shiro couldn't find him no matter where he looked.

Lance hadn't been left alone before and now he always had two or three others with him at all times. Normally, he enjoyed the company, but right now, he was pretty sure he was dying.

Over the past few days, Lance had been drinking a lot of water; he couldn't seem to get the dry feeling from his mouth. Nothing helped. It was only after his lips had cracked and sores had developed in his mouth that he realized it was the result of the new medication. Then the burning in his throat intensified into something else and his nose started dripping and his temperature spiked. The sickness moved into his lungs before they realized that Lance wasn't just reacting to his meds. He had picked up an illness from the last planet they had been on.

He lay in bed trying to breathe through his clogged nose, because breathing through his mouth hurt his sores and burned his throat like he was inhaling fire.

"Ice chips," Hunk offered them in a bowl that he’d found in the kitchen.  Lance took them one piece at a time and let them melt on his red, swollen tongue. He coughed weakly, felt the nausea creep up his throat. He forced it back down. Vomit would irritate the sores, it would be torture to be sick like that now.

"Coran adjusted the ship’s environment controls so that the air in this room is more humid. It's like a big humidifier. Should be easier to breathe." Hunk explained. "I made some soup, you can try it a little later."

Lance groaned in response. He wasn't hungry.

Hunk's mattress had been pushed to the side, allowing anyone space to get to Lance and assess him. Lance was propped up on several pillows. He was almost completely sitting up. It wasn't the most comfortable, but it did help him to breathe.

"Is the decongestant helping?"

Honestly, Lance couldn't even remember which pills were for what at this point. It seemed like someone was giving him medicine in one form or the other every hour. Apparently, he had taken a decongestant earlier.

Lance shrugged in response. He supposed it felt a little bit easier to breathe now, but he was distracted by the pain of his cracking lips and mouth.

Hunk held up the bowl of ice chips and Lance languidly took a few more. He started to sigh, but the air in his chest sounded like it was rattling around and Lance tensed up, fighting back the urge to cough.

"Do you want some water?" Hunk asked.

"No," Lance forced out. He paused to breathe shallowly. "These are fine."

"Alright."

They were both quiet as Lance continued eating ice chips and Hunk sat on the edge of the bed, watching him carefully.

Hunk was about to suggest the soup again, when Pidge came into the room with Keith trailing behind her.

"Hey," she greeted them. She moved close to the bed so she could get a better look at Lance. "How are you feeling?" She asked. Lance shrugged. He felt awful, but everyone was trying hard to make him more comfortable so he couldn't disappoint them by admitting it.

"We have presents for you."

Lance raised his eyebrows. It wasn't his birthday or anything.

Pidge jabbed Keith in the side with her elbow. "You first,” she commanded.

Keith jumped at the contact and quickly handled over the bundle in his arms. It was a blanket. It was a dark blue and had edges lined with a silver threading. Lance tentatively reached and grabbed it with one hand. Keith tried not to think about the way Lance’s hand slightly tremored. It was hard to tell what was a side effect of the medication and what was due to his illness at this point.

The blanket was incredibly soft. Lance thought it felt the way people imagine clouds would feel.

"Wow," Lance croaked out.

"I found it. I thought...you might like it. Hunk says you steal the blankets during sleepovers so..."

"It had some holes, but Keith sewed them up. We suspect the mice did it. That's why there are a few places where the fabric looks pinched." Pidge was pointing to one of the little imperfect gatherings of cloth.

Lance couldn't even see it. The blanket was just so soft and warm. He brushed his hands over it in awe.

"Thanks," Lance smiled at Keith and the boy nodded back. It was the most contact they’d had with each other for a while now.

"Okay, here's mine," Pidge pulled a bit of tech from her pocket. Lance recognized it; she had been carrying it around for a few weeks at least. It was black and round and it had a few lights that blinked around the edges of it. Lance just stared, not sure if it was supposed to be doing anything.

"Tap the blue light," Pidge instructed. Lance reached forward and did as he was told. The room was filled with a light static kind of noise, Lance didn't get it. Pidge tapped the device and the noise grew louder. His ears picked up on a familiar kind of rhythm. Something he hadn't heard in a long time.

"Rain," Lance remarked. "You made me rain sounds?" It hurt to talk, but he needed to. It sounded wonderful. Pidge was awesome.

"Originally, I thought it could help you sleep. I found all these sound files in the castleship databank. They're from planets all over and I mixed a lot of them, so you can have a variety. You can add thunder to it, if you'd like."

Lance took the little device carefully from Pidge and stared at it in his hand with wonder. It was so small, but it managed to fill the entire room with sound.

"There's um..." Pidge shuffled her feet. "There's ocean sounds too, I just... I didn't know if that would be too hard to listen to. It's the little orange light."

Lance looked at the orange blinking light, but didn’t touch it.

His chest hurt so much.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"You're welcome. I'm sorry it took me too long. I wanted it to be perfect."

"I love it. Thank you." Lance felt like his throat was clogging up. If he cried now he was going to have a hell of time breathing.

As if realizing his predicament, Hunk offered him more ice chips, distracting him from the overwhelming emotions. Lance took them gratefully.

Lance let his eyes drift shut as he listened to the rain. He was barely aware of someone placing his new blanket over him and his new speaker being taken from his hand and sat down on the mattress beside him.

He shifted, trying to get more comfortable. Hunk's hand slipped into his palm and Lance relaxed at the contact. He was okay. His friends were with him.

* * *

 

Lance felt a coolness on his lips and there was a sweet scent in his nose. It was kind of like strawberries. Oh. He could breathe through his nose now. That was nice.

But something was touching his cracked lips and it was soothing, but it hurt too. His eyes fluttered open and he blearily stared up at the culprit.

Allura was there, looking startled that he had woken up.

"Huh?" Lance breathed out.

"Lance, I'm sorry. You were asleep. I didn't think I should wake you. I found this balm for lips. I thought it might help."

Allura had been applying balm to his lips while he slept. He would have grinned widely at her if it didn't still hurt so damn much.

The corner of his mouth quirked up anyway. "Thank you,” he whispered.

He glanced around the room and saw that Keith and Pidge were still there. They were both asleep on Hunk's mattress. Pidge was curled up and pressed into Keith’s side, stealing his warmth. Keith looked strangely peaceful almost being pushed off the mattress like that.

"Hunk?" Lance asked and he was relieved that his chest didn't feel so constricted. The medicine and humid air must be working.

"He went to go get some more water and heat up the soup. He was hoping you would wake soon."

Lance turned, looking for his gift.

"My rain stopped." Lance looked around, not sure where it had gone.

"Oh, you mean the sound maker? Pidge told me about it. Here you are." Allura picked it up from the floor and placed it on Lance's bed. Lance took it and turned it in his hand. He hit the blue light and instantly the room was filled with the sound of rain. Lance sighed.

"I will leave the balm here for you. It should help quite a bit."

"Thank you," Lance muttered again. Lance tapped the blue light, causing the rain to stop. His finger hovered over the orange light.

Allura began to stand to go.

"Princess, can you stay?" Lance asked quietly. Allura sat back down on the edge of the bed immediately.  

"Alright," she murmured softly. Lance glanced at her and then quickly away again.

He tapped the orange light with one finger. Immediately, the sound of waves crashing filled the room. Lance went still, transfixed by the sound. Allura wasn't sure if his eyes were glassy from the fever or if he was fighting back tears. She searched for something to say, but nothing seemed to be right or enough.

"Were there oceans on Altea?" Lance asked in a rough voice.

Allura smoothed out nonexistent creases in her dress.

"Yes. Yes, there were."

They both fell silent as they listened to the waves encompass the room.

Allura took a deep breath, feeling that she should say something when Pidge rolled in her sleep. With a soft thump, Keith was pushed off the mattress and hit his head on the floor.

"Ow..." Keith mumbled. He sat up and tried to push Pidge back. But she wouldn't budge. Exasperated, Keith began to stand and noticed that he had a small audience to his plight.

"Hey," Lance greeted. He turned off the sound of waves and smiled carefully.

"Hey," Keith responded before nodding at Allura. He looked embarrassed when she smiled back at him.

"How are you feeling?" Keith asked, looking back at Lance.

"I'm alright."

"Okay."

Lance got the distinct impression that Keith didn't believe him. Well, Lance hadn't been incredibly trustworthy, Keith had reason to not believe him. Lance wondered if he could fix it. Or was it past the point of repair?

"Keith... I know you told me not to say sorry before, but... but I don't know what else to say... I'm sorry about everything. About tricking you and-and lying. I-"

"Just forget about it, alright?" Keith cut him off. "Just focus on getting better."

"But I feel bad about everything, I can't help it..."

"Don't feel bad. It's fine. We're fine."

Lance wiped away the tears that had formed in his eyes and were threatening to slip out.

"O-okay," he stammered. If Allura wasn't there, he probably would have let himself cry. God, his chest felt heavy.

Luckily, Hunk then showed up with the warmed soup and he was happy to find Lance awake. Lance ate as much as the soup as he could as he listened to Hunk talk about anything that crossed his mind. Once his bowl was nearly empty, Lance struggled to stand.

"Whoa, what's up?" Hunk asked as he held out a hand to steady him. Lance sighed.

"I gotta pee."

Allura excused herself at that moment, saying she'd check in with them later. Hunk nodded at her before he helped Lance to stand and made sure he was steady before letting go.

"You got it?" Hunk asked. Yes, it was embarrassing, but Lance hadn't spent a lot of time on his feet the last few days. It wouldn't have been the first time that Hunk had walked him to the toilet.

"I got it. I'm fine." Lance shuffled to the little connected bathroom and closed the door behind him. Keith had climbed back onto the mattress on the floor and was sitting cross legged on it. Before falling asleep, Pidge had told him not to leave. She had instructed him to stay. Stay and be part of the group for at least a little while.

Hunk sat on the bed and waited for Lance to get back.

"Are you alright, Keith?" Hunk asked out of the blue. Keith blinked in surprise. Of course he was alright.

"I'm fine. Are you... Okay?" Because Hunk had been so supportive of Lance and all of them, really. He must have been tired.

Hunk was considering his answer when he was interrupted by a shout from the bathroom.

"Hunk?" Lance called through the door. "Hunk!" His voice went up to a higher pitch than normal.

"Yeah?" Hunk was at the door in an instant, hesitating to open it without consent.

"I need help." Lance sounded freaked out. Hunk immediately opened the door. Lance was on the floor, his long legs pressed up against one side of the toilet and his back against the wall. It wasn't a big room and Lance looked like he had managed to wedge himself pretty good into the corner.

"What happened?" Hunk knelt beside him.

"Got dizzy after I went. I thought if I sat down, it'd go away, but I can't get up. Everything keeps tipping to the side."

"How dizzy are we talking about?" Worries about Lance’s spine crossed his mind, but Lance had never complained about his legs or back before. This was probably just the meds or the illness or maybe both.

"It's pretty bad." Lance shut his eyes and opened them again. “I’m trying really hard not to…ugh.” Lance clutched his stomach. He could not be sick. The acidity of his vomit would cause a whole new level of pain for the sores in his mouth.

Distantly, Hunk heard the door to the room open and close, but he didn't think about it until he heard Shiro's voice.

"What's going on? What happened?"

"Lance is stuck in the bathroom." Keith explained. Lance groaned in humiliation. He gently placed his fingers to his mouth, somehow managing to waft the scent of the lip balm into his nostrils. Lance’s stomach turned.

"Stuck how?"

"What's goin' on?" Pidge asked groggily.

Okay, this was too many people. Lance tried to bring his knees up and to bury his face in them. “It's okay," Hunk set a hand on his arm. Hunk was wrong. The room tilted. Lance lurched, not quite making it to the toilet in time to expel the contents of his stomach.

It was agony. He had known it was going to hurt, but it didn’t prepare him for the way his mouth burned like it was on fire. God, it hurt so much. His sobs echoed into the toilet bowl and Hunk was trying to comfort him. Lance saw a streak of bloody spit dripping from his lips and into the bowl. It made him cry harder.

“You’re alright. It’ll pass.” Hunk sounded scared too.

"I can't…” Lance brought a hand up and pressed it to his mouth. The pressure didn’t help the stinging pain there. “I don't want them all to see me like this." Lance choked out. Hunk didn't think the others minded being there, but if it was making Lance nervous, then he would ask them to leave.

Pidge and Keith decided to go for a walk, but they both said they'd be back later to check on Lance. Hunk was soon replaced by Shiro and he rubbed Lance's back soothingly.

"Just breathe, alright. It will pass. Probably just a side effect. I was feeling dizzy too the other day."

Lance grunted in response. He thought his fever might be coming back, his head was pounding and, despite the nausea, he was so thirsty again.

Once they were sure Lance wasn’t going to throw up again, they gave him some water to sip and that helped a little bit. Eventually, the room righted itself and Lance managed to calm down. Shiro picked him up and carried him from the small bathroom. He sat him on the bed and Lance let out a deep sigh. He was so tired now, he just wanted to go back to sleep. He felt a cool compress wiping the bile carefully from his chin and the dried tear tracks from his cheeks.

"Lance, are you awake?" Shiro asked after a moment.

"Yeah," Lance swallowed and he tensed up at the burning sensation it caused.

"Coran hasn't found any new antidepressants, we're going to decrease your dosage of this one and go from there. That okay?"

"Okay..." Lance replied weakly. So that's where Shiro had been. They must have been trying to figure out what would be best for Lance. It had made him feel better overall, if they could find a treatment for the dry mouth and the dizziness, it might work out.

Lance really hoped so. He didn't think he could keep going back and forth on his meds. It was exhausting...

Hunk had started up the rain on his sound maker again and Shiro tucked the soft blue blanket around him.

Before he knew it, Lance had drifted back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told myself that I would post chapter 2 when the story got to 500 hits. Not for any reason, I just thought that amount would give me some time to get my act together. Empty is at 491 hits right now, so that's amazing and I figured I should get chapter 2 posted.
> 
> Thank you for the comments. I'm not kidding when I say I reread them all the time. They really do help me to keep going. You guys make my day whenever I see a comment in my inbox. Thank you! Please feel free to drop me another. :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music this time around- Carry on my Wayward Son by Kansas and Get Up by Barcelona
> 
> I am emotionally done. Hopefully past-Bandity made sure the plot made sense, because present Bandity is tired and talking to herself in the third person now. 
> 
> I will be back for the mistakes... I don't know... when I feel up to it.

They were in the middle of a battle on a dry, rocky planet. Lance had only recently recovered from his illness and he still had some trouble catching his breath occasionally. He was doing a lot better, but he had the face shield down on his helmet, supplying him with fresh oxygen at all times. The lower dosage of medication seemed to be working and they had found other medicines that counteracted the side effects of this antidepressant. Things were going about as well as they could.

The team had split up for this part of the fight, but someone had to stay with Lance at all times. At this moment, Keith was watching his back as Lance was sniping from atop a pile of boulders. Keith was taking out anyone who got too close. They hadn’t run into a lot of opposition. They had been lucky.

Suddenly, Lance ducked down and slid from his perch. Keith furrowed his brow in concern.

"What are you-"

Lance caught Keith's neck in the crook of his arm and knocked him over to the ground. As Keith hit the dirt, the rocks above them exploded. Debris went flying everywhere. Dust filled the air and stones rained down on them. Keith’s ears rang horribly and he choked on the dust before he activated his face shield. Lance was coughing too, though it was from the exertion of moving and not the billowing dirt that clouded their vision.

"Grenade," Lance gasped out in explanation.

"Yeah, I figured that out." Keith tasted copper. He'd probably bitten his tongue.

They both scrambled to get to their feet and Keith was starting to run before he realized Lance wasn't beside him.

Lance was still on the ground, trying to free his leg from a chunk of rock that had fallen onto his foot. Keith was too slow responding and he blamed the new headache and the fact that his ears still rung. Lance pulled roughly, desperately freeing his foot. He collapsed on the ground, panting, unable to get his leg to take his weight.

Finally pulling it together, Keith ran to his side. He lifted Lance’s leg and inspected his foot. The armor was dented in and broken at the heel. A bit of red was bubbling up through the cracks.

A second explosion sent Keith sprawling to the ground. He dimly thought he should try to shield Lance, but he found he couldn’t get his body to move correctly. Keith couldn’t tell if the earth beneath him was shaking or if that was his own legs and arms doing that. He could hear debris pinging off his armor and felt it when a large rock hit him square in the back. For a moment, he was too winded and startled by the pain to do anything. He was waiting for his ears to stop ringing and he was trying desperately to get his bearings. There was no time. The ground definitely shuddered around them and Keith blindly reached out, managing to throw one arm over Lance's head before another blast hit and rocks rained down on them. He gasped, trying to catch his breath, trying to see through the dirt and the pain that shot up his back, strong and sharp.

He was still trying to catch his breath when he felt a rhythmic tapping on the side of his helmet. Lance was trying to get his attention.

"Keith, hey man.” Lance mouthed. No, Lance was actually speaking, Keith just couldn’t really hear it. “Come on.”

They needed to move.

Keith found his feet quickly, grabbed Lance's arm and pulled it over his shoulder. With a surge of adrenaline, he got them both to their feet and started to half drag Lance back towards safety.

When his hearing began to return, he could hear Lance's shaky breaths as he was struggling to draw in air without crying out in pain.

Keith hated that sound.

* * *

 

Coran and Shiro had pried away Lance's armor on his leg and foot first. Then Hunk helped with the rest of the armor as Coran and Shiro both inspected Lance’s damaged foot. Lance caught sight of his blood spattering the floor before Coran moved to block his view. The Altean turned away from Lance's face, leaning over with Lance's knee nearly in his armpit as he held the boy's calf steady in his hands.

"Does it hurt really bad?" Hunk asked as he took Lance's hand. Lance squeezed Hunk's fingers.

"It's not so bad," Lance forced out through gritted teeth. Pidge was hovering quietly around Hunk's shoulder. Trying to stay close without being in the way. Keith had found a place to sit off to the side. He looked pretty pale and he kept shaking his head as if he was trying to clear it.

Shiro was attempting to rotate Lance's ankle and Lance flinched as pain shot up his leg. "You're alright," Shiro encouraged. He gently released Lance’s foot and walked around Coran to place a hand on Lance's shoulder. "We're pretty sure your heel is fractured. You've got a deep cut as well. You should go into a pod."

Lance groaned and scrubbed at his eyes.

"You'll be alright," Shiro brushed a hand through Lance's hair, brushing away some of the sweat that had plastered his fringe to his forehead.

"No, I don't... I don't want everyone thinking I did it on purpose. I don’t want to go into a pod." Lance pulled his fingers away from Hunk and balled his hands into fists at his temples. He pressed hard into his skull. He hated this so much.

"Whoa, hey, we weren't thinking that." Shiro tapped at his fingers trying to get him to relax and not to hurt himself.

"It's fine." Lance dropped his hands to the side and gave Shiro a pleading look. "I don't need the pod. I can heal on my own."

"Lance, you can't walk," Shiro stated.

"No, everyone's going to think I did it on purpose."

"Nobody thinks that," Hunk tried.

Pidge was giving Keith a pointed look. _Say something_ , she mouthed. Keith cast his eyes around the room. Everyone else was being supportive, did his opinion matter in this? Pidge shot him a glare that made him sit up straighter.

"Lance," Keith started and he paused as Lance turned to stare at him. "You got hurt protecting me.... I think you should go into a pod."

Lance furrowed his brow.

"It's not your fault. You would have done the same for any of us," Lance finished his sentence in a hiss as Coran unexpectedly prodded at his foot. The Altean quietly apologized and went back to shielding the injury from Lance's view.

"Yeah, and if I couldn't walk after protecting someone, I would go into a pod. So..."

Lance sighed heavily. It still felt like there was a huge weight on his back, slowly crushing his lungs. He wasn’t sure if he would ever be rid of that feeling.

"Alright," Lance whispered.

They quickly worked to get him into a pod and once Lance was secure and on his way to being healed again, Pidge grabbed Keith's arm and shook him slightly. She might have gone for a friendly punch in the arm, but she knew Keith didn't really like that kind of contact, even if it was meant to be playful. As it was, Keith startled at the shaking, but Pidge was smiling broadly at him and he calmed down immediately.

"Thanks, Keith."

"I don't know why it matters."

"Lance still feels bad about tricking you with the sparring match that time," Hunk said with a sigh.

"Oh," Keith frowned. That was so long ago now. "I told him to forget about that."

"Yeah, but you haven't," Hunk remarked.

 Keith didn't have a response for that.

* * *

 

It was the middle of the night and Pidge couldn't sleep. She was considering going to Lance's room to check on Hunk. Hunk's mattress was still in that room and he hadn't bothered moving it, even though Lance was in the pod for the night. She wasn't sure if she could sleep there with him though. Lance's absence was too noticeable; it felt wrong to not have him there with them. Honestly, it would worry her more to see his empty bed. It was like back home whenever she would walk past Matt's room...

Pidge picked up her pace.

She didn't have a destination in mind, she just needed to move.

She was surprised when she saw the metal panel leaning against the wall. Keith was usually careful to replace it, not wanting anyone to find him in his little hideaway.

She poked her head into the tunnel.

"Keith?" She called. He didn't answer, so she let herself in. There were emergency lights that always lit up the space, Keith and Pidge left them on, neither of them really bothered enough to find a way to shut them off.

She walked the familiar route to Keith's nest and she found him there, curled up in a ball. A trembling, groaning ball...

"Keith?" Pidge dropped to her knees and she pulled away a blanket to feel his forehead. He felt warm.

Keith's eyes snapped open at the contact and he let out a gasp of breath.

"It's okay, it's just me," she soothed.

"Pidge..." Keith swallowed the excess saliva that had filled his mouth. He wasn't going to throw up, he couldn't do that here.

"Yeah, what's going on? Do you think you caught what Lance had?"

"Hurts."

"What hurts?"

"My back...  stomach."

"Your back?"

Pidge shifted and glanced down. She went ahead and threw the blanket back, which caused Keith to make a sound of protest, but he didn’t stop her. His shirt had ridden up and she saw something reddish there on his skin. She pulled the hem further up, revealing a large red mark that was starting to take on a purplish tinge.

The bruise looked painful and Pidge's stomach dropped at the location of it.

"What happened? You're hurt."

"A rock caught me. Didn't think it was that bad."

"Your abdomen hurts too?" Pidge questioned.

“Yeah," Keith shuddered and tried to curl up tighter.

“Have you pissed blood at all?"

"What? No." Keith made an attempt to pull his shirt back down. Honestly, Pidge was being way too invasive.

"Keith," Pidge gently tapped the boy's side. "This is your kidney, you probably bruised your kidney. Hopefully, it’s nothing worse than that."

"It's fine. I just need to sleep."

"No. No way. We're going to the infirmary."

Keith started to protest, but Pidge interrupted him. "Did you not just tell Lance that he needed to go into a pod? Don't be a hypocrite. Now can you walk or am I going to have to carry you out?"

There was a pause while Keith thought it over with a scowl.

"You can't carry me."

"Watch me." Pidge then turned, shuffled over to the closest wall and kicked it with both of her feet. The panel popped off and clattered to the ground. She had a satisfied look at the minor destruction she had caused.  

Honestly, Pidge kind of scared him sometimes.

Despite her offer, Keith was able to walk on his own. Pidge had replaced the panel, as soon as he had struggled out of his blanket nest and into the hallway. She knew he didn't want it to be discovered, being sick and in pain didn't change that.

Pidge willingly allowed herself to be a crutch as Keith walked one painful step at a time back to the infirmary.

* * *

 

Soon, Keith was being examined by Coran and fretted over by a freshly awoken Shiro. Pidge was sitting on a nearby stool, looking not sorry at all for hauling Keith in to be checked out.

Keith didn't really like it; it was too many people with too much attention on him. He felt exposed, but he was in so much pain that it was hard to find the energy to really care.  

Shiro sat beside the exam cot, holding a cool compress to Keith's head, while Keith did his best to curl up on his side.

"You should have said something sooner," Shiro said quietly.

"You got enough to worry about with... with Lance..." Keith had his eyes screwed shut as he concentrated on breathing evenly.

"Hey, that's not a good reason to ignore something like this. I worry about all of you. It's my job."

"It's not the worst I've ever felt. Thought I could sleep it off...”

"Hey, you don't have to do that. You don't have to endure pain like that anymore. You've got me, you've got us now." Shiro glanced up at Pidge and gave her the briefest smile, before turning back to Keith. “Alright?”

Keith’s eyes fluttered open and he nodded slowly. Shiro carefully ruffled his hair.

Coran cleared his throat and when Shiro met his eyes the Altean smiled gently.

"Scan's done. Human biology is a bit different, but the... kidney does appear to be bruised. I'm afraid I am not sure of the implications of that for a human though."

"I think the pod would be best. Just to be safe." Shiro commented and Coran nodded.

Keith didn't argue, but as he moved into the pod next to Lance's, he gave Shiro a nervous look. Keith hadn't spent as much time in the pods as some of the others. This felt a lot like being trapped to him.

"You’re alright. Look here.” Shiro took a deep breath and motioned to Keith to do the same. The boy took in a deep breath and let it go. “I'll be right here when you get out," Shiro assured him. Keith nodded and calmly shut his eyes before the pod activated.

Shiro stood there for a long moment before he let out a long exhale.

Pidge walked up beside Shiro to look at both of her friends. She bumped Shiro’s arm with her shoulder in a hopefully comforting manner.

"Pidge, you need to sleep." Shiro was using his best leader voice. "Coran can give you a sleeping tea, if it will help."

"I would be happy to make some up for you," Coran offered, but Pidge shook her head.

"No, I'll be okay. Night." Pidge quickly left and Shiro knew she wasn’t going to sleep. He knew she was upset about the situation too. He knew it and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.

Shiro started to get lost in his thoughts. Lance and Keith would both be down for a few days; he wanted to talk to them after this. Do a kind of mental health check on them both. Hunk had been so supportive and patient, but he often looked exhausted. Then Pidge never seemed to sleep at regular times and it was wearing on her.

He needed to patch up these fissures in the team, keep them from cracking into vast, empty spaces.

Shiro set his hands on his knees. What the hell had happened to the air in here anyway?

Someone was talking to him.

"Sit down, sit down. Shiro, put your head between your knees. Deep breaths now. Slow, in through your nose as best you can. It's alright. They're going to be fine."

Somehow, through the fog that clouded his mind, Shiro was able to listen. He was sitting on the floor with his head between his knees trying his best to draw in breath through his nose. It was never enough though. He always had to breathe through his mouth at least a little bit.

"I think it would be best if you went back to bed. You need the sleep."

"If all I can do is watch over them as they heal, then that's what I _need_ to do."

Coran sat beside Shiro and very cautiously put a hand on his back.

"You do so much more for them. Always. Lance and Keith know this. They are both safe. They will be fine. Just rest, Shiro."

Shiro took in several deep breaths before he stood up on shaking legs. Coran caught his arm to steady him.

"Come on,” Coran patted Shiro’s elbow. “I'll make us both some tea."

Shiro nodded, feeling like Coran wouldn't take no for an answer. He would sleep for a little while and then he would come back to check on them.

Until then, he had to trust that they were going to be okay.

* * *

 

Shiro walked the halls. It was quiet, being way too early in the morning for anyone else to be up. He had slept for a few hours before being awakened by a nightmare. He couldn't remember the details, but the apprehension left over from the dream clung to him and wouldn't let go.

Unsurprisingly, he found himself at the door that led to the cryopods. With one steadying exhale, he squared his shoulders and entered the room.

He heard a voice abruptly stop and go silent. Shiro blinked, this wasn't what he had been expecting.

Hunk was sitting there on the ground between the two occupied pods. He had been mid-sentence when the opening door had startled him.

"I- I was just... uh... I was just uh... Checking," Hunk stammered. Judging by the blankets and pillows on the floor, it looked like Hunk had been ‘just checking’ for a while.

"It's fine, Hunk. Well, I mean, I would hope that you would get some actual sleep, but I understand." Shiro walked further into the room and sat beside Hunk on the floor. Hunk automatically offered him a blanket, but Shiro shook his head.

”How long have you been here?"

"Bout two or three vargas I guess. My mattress is in Lance's room, y'know? I'm used to waking up about halfway through the night to check on him. But this time I woke up and he wasn't there... and then I ran into Pidge in the hallway. She told me about Keith. So I felt like I just needed to...  "

"Are you alright, Hunk?"

Hunk was steadfast and when his friends needed him, he was there. Throughout everything with Lance, Hunk had been patient and strong. But in the quiet moments, Shiro could see the mask slip.

Hunk worried. He worried so much he felt like he was going to be sick over it. He was trying so, so hard, but Lance still struggled. If he couldn't help Lance, then what kind of best friend was he?

"I'm..." He had been about to say 'fine' because why would he be anything else? He wasn't the one that kept getting hurt, he wasn't the one that was fighting with his mind every day, he wasn't the one who kept having to take medication, he wasn't...

Hunk was surprised how easily his tears fell. There wasn't a reason for him to cry and yet…

Shiro was hugging him.

He wished Shiro hadn't done that. The contact made it worse, like his emotions had just been waiting for an excuse to pour out of him.

"I don't know why..." Hunk tried to explain. "I don't have a reason..."

His voice trembled, and it felt like a betrayal.

"It's alright. It's alright. Your friend is hurt... He's been hurting. And you've been working hard. I've noticed it. You carry a lot on your shoulders."

Hunk wrapped his arms around Shiro and hugged him back. Shiro always tried to be there for them. Hunk didn’t want to lean on him so much. He liked being the one that people could rely on. Shiro had enough to deal with really.

"You're a great friend. I don't know what Lance would do without you. I don't know what this team would do without you."

"Th-thanks," Hunk choked out through tears.

"It's going to be alright," Shiro mumbled. "I swear it."

Hunk almost laughed. Shiro was only human. He couldn't guarantee something like that. However, as the sadness started to leave, replaced by the warmth and kindness that Shiro offered, Hunk believed him.

_I'm sorry. I guess I'm going to lean on you too._

* * *

 

Lance woke up before Keith, though only by a few vargas.

He was genuinely startled to find out that Keith had been hurt, without his knowledge of it.

"I thought I saved him when I knocked him down away from the blast. He could have told me he was hurt," Lance insisted. Everyone just stared at Lance, nobody really wanting to point out that if anyone knew about hiding pain, it was their blue paladin. It dawned on Lance that he sounded like a hypocrite and he didn’t say anything else about it after that.

When Keith woke up, they were all there to greet him. Keith looked flustered by all the attention and he apologized for worrying them.

"Don't be sorry." Lance blurted. "Just... don't do that again." Lance hadn't spent a lot of time on this side of things; he realized he hated being the one waiting, worrying about an injured friend.

Lance really had put them all through a lot.

"I'll be more careful," Keith said slowly. Lance grinned at him, it was forced and it didn't meet his eyes, but he was trying his absolute best.

Sometimes it was all he could do.

* * *

 

Lance was curled up on his mattress and Shiro was so glad he thought to check on him early in the morning. Hunk was sitting with him, but he was so tired he didn't know what he was supposed to do. Lance had just woken up crying and Hunk could only think to hold him while he started to fall apart.

"I think he had a nightmare," Hunk explained when Shiro leaned down to get a good look at Lance. Lance was hiding his face in Hunk's side, his tears and snot dampening his friend's shirt.

He took Lance's pulse, mumbling an apology when he had to lean across Hunk. Hunk just shook his head. He didn't care. As a team, they didn't have much of an idea of personal space anyway.

Shiro then left, saying he'd be right back and Hunk nodded. In Shiro's absence, Lance's tears slowed and he sat up fully, pulling away from Hunk's arms.

"S-sorry," Lance stammered.

"No worries, man." Hunk sat a hand on his friend's back and Hunk noticed that he could feel the ridges of Lance's spine. When had that happened? He'd been eating... Hadn't he?

Lance coughed so hard, that Hunk worried it would break his friend apart. Hunk trailed his hand along boney ridges, briefly wondering which part of his spine had been injured before, wondering if he could feel a difference in the vertebrae.

Lance cleared his throat and groaned. His throat was probably dry, it happened frequently now. Hunk grabbed one of the water pouches that they kept stocked by the bed, and handed it to his friend.

Lance took slow careful sips. He blinked hard, trying to keep himself from crying again.

"Want to talk about it?" Hunk asked. Lance started to shake his head, but then he paused.

"It was just... darkness. And I thought I was dead. And nobody else was there... That's it."

Hunk tried not to frown. He had heard Lance call out for his mom, that shout had been what had awoken him in the first place, but maybe that was something Lance wasn't even aware of.

"You're here, you're here with us. You're not alone, okay?"

Lance sighed, bringing his knees up to bury his face in them. Hunk grimaced at the way he could feel Lance's spine arch and bend. He would make sure Lance was eating at every meal from now on. He would give him seconds of everything.

The door opened and Shiro walked in. He sat down on the bed and held out his left hand to Lance. All of Lance's pills that he took daily were there; one that worked to combat the dry mouth, another which helped to keep him from feeling dizzy and then the antidepressant, of course.

Lance stared at them for a moment. He exhaled through his nose and picked them all up at the same time. He tossed them into his mouth and gulped them down with his water.

"This sucks," Lance muttered, when he finished. He let his face fall forward into his knees again. Shiro put a hand on Lance's arm.

"Lance, we're still looking for something else, but this one is the best we've got right now."

"That not what I meant." Lance looked up and met Shiro’s eyes. "Even without my broken brain. Fighting, being all the way out here. This would still suck."

Lance was homesick.

Shiro smiled sadly at him.

"I'm sorry, Lance," because it was all he could think to say. Lance shook his head.

"It's not your fault." Lance’s eyes started to tear up and he fiercely wiped his face. Most days, Lance felt better in general, the medication was working. But some days, the universe and the war were too big and Lance was young, scared and way too damn skinny. He couldn't defend the universe, he couldn't even get out of bed without feeling like he was going to be crushed by the weight of it all.

"Hey, let's just sit for a while," Hunk suggested. He knew what kind of day it was. "Just drink your water. We don't need to do anything else right now." It was a day of small tasks and taking one thing at a time. That was the only way to get through it.

Lance nodded and leaned back into Hunk's side. Shiro patted his knee and got himself comfortable. Shiro would sit with them until he was sure that they were both doing alright.

Hopefully, things would be better tomorrow.

* * *

 

Hunk couldn't have Lance wasting away on them. As soon as Lance was having a better day, Hunk asked for his help in the kitchen. The excuse was that Hunk was attempting to make pizzas and he wanted opinions on toppings and sauces.

If Lance was forced to taste test about 50 different ingredients, well then at least Hunk knew he was eating something.

They had been able to keep up a lively conversation, but soon Lance was just standing there while Hunk cut up some pizza approved vegetables. Lance shifted to one foot and then the other. He wanted to help more, but they were still weird about the kitchen knives. Lance didn't understand it completely. They let him have his bayard. If he really needed to hurt himself, he could just use that.

Lance shook his head at the thought, worried about even letting his mind wander down that specific path for too long. Worried that the others would be able pick up on it. He was doing well, he didn’t need to think about that kind of thing anymore.

"Do you want to help with these?" Hunk had a forced casualness to his voice. Lance stared, unsure if he had heard correctly.

"I can?" Lance asked quietly.

"Yeah," Hunk slid a small knife across the counter towards Lance. "Unless you think it's a bad idea," Hunk was watching him intently now.

"No," Lance cleared his throat, "No, I can help. I can do it." Lance reached for the knife and very slowly picked up the closest bell pepper like thing. He began chopping slowly and deliberately, Hunk watched him for a moment and then resumed his own prep. They soon fell into conversation again. While Hunk kept Lance's hands in his peripheral vision, he tried to make sure his friend didn’t feel uncomfortable or untrusted.

“Hey, Hunk,” Lance asked. Lance’s tone had taken on that rehearsed quality. Whatever was on Lance’s mind, he had been thinking about talking about it for a while.

“Yeah?” Hunk was listening intently, trying not to worry. It wasn’t always something bad.

“Do you know what Shiro likes to eat?”

“He’s never been too picky. Why?”

“I was thinking, well, I was hoping that maybe you could help me make dinner sometime, something Shiro would like.”

“Yeah, we can do that. It’s not his birthday is it?”

“No, nothing like that. I just wanted to thank him for… everything. I wanted to thank everyone. I thought an awesome dinner would be a good place to start… Unless you think it’s dumb? It’s dumb, right?” Lance was looking down, staring hard at the vegetable he had cut up.

“Hey,” Hunk tapped the counter so Lance would look up at him. Hunk waited for his friend to meet his eyes and then he grinned. “I think it’s a great idea. Of course I’ll help you.”

Lance grinned back a genuine smile. It had been a long time since Hunk had seen that look on his friend’s face.

When they finished prepping the vegetables, Lance slid the knife back to his friend and Hunk beamed broadly at him. He swung an arm around Lance's shoulders and pulled him into a quick embrace. Things were finally feeling like they were moving in the right direction again.

One small step at a time.

* * *

 

Lance had been walking down the hallway when a metal panel from the wall in front of him flew off and hit the floor with a loud clang. Lance jumped and let out a short scream.

Pidge appeared from the opening and gave him a sheepish look.

"Sorry.”

"What-why are you in the wall?"

"Oh… well… there's like these old maintenance tunnels. I was just… looking."

"Wait, wait, wait, you have a _secret_ tunnel? Where does it go?" Lance tilted his head to look around his friend and she smiled at him. Lance was being curious and enthusiastic about something. It had been a long time since she had seen him like that.

"Oh, nowhere really."

"Does it go to other places in the castle? Is it a shortcut?” Lance was already climbing around Pidge to get a good look.

“It’s mostly just dead ends actually.” Pidge grabbed Lance’s shirt sleeve to keep him from crawling farther. Lance stopped and looked at her curiously. He then raised an eyebrow as suspicion crept into his mind. Pidge was hiding something. It was obvious.

“What were you doing in here anyway?” Lance asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Just, um… taking a nap."

"A nap? You got a room in here or something?"

Pidge bit her lower lip, debating. Lance seemed like he was having a good day, she didn’t want to ruin it by making him think she was hiding things from him. It would probably be okay...

"Alright look, I'll show you, but you can't tell anyone else. Keith would be mad."

"Keith?"

"Yeah, come on." Pidge crawled past Lance and back into the tunnel. He followed her without hesitation.

When he finally saw the blanket nest, he gaped in awe. It was pretty impressive now. There were blankets from one wall to the other, stacked about a foot deep and there were pillows absolutely everywhere.

Lance knelt and pushed his hands into the plush fabric. They sunk into the blanket mound easily.

"Oh it's soft." Lance laughed and scooted forward so his knees could rest in the comfortable bedding as well. He was beaming. "This is cool. It's like a little secret hang out. Keith did this?"

"He likes to get away sometimes and he's a fan of feather pillows."

Lance reached and plumped one of the pillows. It was so _squishy_.

"May I?" Lance motioned to the blanket expanse.

"Don't touch anything on the left. That's his stuff. Mine's on the right, go ahead."

Lance flopped into the blankets and rolled onto Pidge's side of it. He hugged a pillow to his chest and sighed, taking in how comfortable it all was.

"This is really nice. It's so cozy,” Lance mumbled. Wow, he already felt a little sleepy, he could just close his eyes and drift off. No wonder Pidge took naps here. Lance’s eyes snapped open when he heard the sounds of footsteps echoing through the tunnel. They both froze as Keith approached them.

When Keith caught sight of Lance, his eyes widened in surprise, but he didn't look particularly angry.

"Sorry, Keith. He saw me climbing out of the wall,” Pidge quickly explained.

"It's... fine. Figured someone else would find it eventually. It was only a matter of time." Keith walked over to his side of the blankets and stopped to pick up his gloves that he had left behind. Pidge felt bad. She hadn't really wanted Keith to find out that she had shown the hideout to Lance. But maybe it was a good thing. Keith had seemed to be worried that people would think it was weird, but so far, everyone had liked the blanket nest.

Lance had sat up and was watching him intently. Keith started to turn to leave.

"I feel better." Lance blurted, stopping Keith in his tracks.

"What?" Keith was startled by the sudden declaration.

"I feel better..." Lance released a slow breath. "You told me before that you wanted me to feel better and to not be sorry.... So... instead of apologizing..."

Keith knelt down on the blankets. "Right...So, you're feeling better?"

"Yeah, I mean in general. Some days are not... but today is a good day."

"Well, good.” Keith nodded.

“Coran and Shiro, they’re making back up meds, in case this one stops working.” Lance found it easier to talk about the antidepressants lately. Shiro had long since told the others that he himself was taking the same medication as Lance. And nobody thought it was bad. They all treated Shiro the same. It had helped to prove to Lance that his team really didn’t think less of him.

It helped Lance to stop thinking less of himself.  

“So… I think it will be okay. I think it’s going to be okay.”

Keith nodded. The fact that Lance could even feel that way was a sign that it was a really good day for him.

“I'm glad, Lance."

"Yeah, me too,” Lance scratched the back of his head and smiled slightly. His expression became more serious suddenly. “But there's something else I need to talk to you about. You too, Pidge." Lance patted the cushion next to him and she sat down. She worried about what could Lance need to talk about and she prepared herself to be supportive no matter what.

"It's about Shiro..."

* * *

 

"Keep your eyes closed."

"They are closed, Lance."

"Alright, few more steps and open them!"

Shiro blinked, not really sure what he was seeing. There were miscellaneous, colorful streamers decorating the walls and the chairs and the table was covered in food. _Familiar_ food.

"Hunk's been working on recipes from home for weeks. This is everything." Lance was beaming as he motioned to all of the dishes. There was macaroni and cheese, pizza, chicken wings, hot dogs, spaghetti, chips and a huge cake sitting in the middle of the table.

“Lance cooked most of it, I just helped with the recipes,” Hunk corrected. “He decorated too.”

Lance shook his head. “We all pitched in,” he insisted.

"What's the occasion?" Shiro asked with a laugh. Honestly, this is what they'd been up to all day? He had been starting to worry when he couldn’t find Lance or Hunk around the ship. He kept having to tell himself that Hunk would tell him if it was a bad day. Lance was doing better, there was no reason to worry this much. Shiro was relieved at this turn of events.

"No occasion really... It's just... a thank you from everyone. And me. I wanted to thank you for doing all the stuff you do. This was all I could think of. It's not really enough, but-"

"It's great. Thank you, Lance."

They made Shiro sit down in the most heavily decorated chair and then they gave him gifts. Keith presented Shiro with the second most comfortable blanket he had found. Pidge and Lance both gave Shiro a coupon booklet that they had made. The coupons said things like: _Pidge will fix anything you need right away_ and _Lance will not make that annoying sound again in your presence_ and there were two _We will not argue with you about anything for a whole day_ coupons.

Shiro laughed, but he said he would definitely be using that last one to get Pidge to go to sleep at a decent hour.

Allura gave Shiro a book of stories. She had translated them from Altean and she thought he would find them interesting. Coran gave Shiro a journal. It had a black cover and it had his full name engraved on the side in delicate silver writing.

"It’s very old fashioned, but it is a customary gift to give to those who come of age. I know you've already passed that milestone, but I didn't know you back then, so I thought it could still be appropriate."

"Thank you. It's wonderful." Shiro looked around at all their smiling faces. "Really guys, this is amazing. You didn't have to do all this."

"We wanted to," Lance insisted. "I know it's not been easy. I've made it not easy..."

"Lance..."

"I'm just saying, for the amount we worry you, it's the least we could do." Lance was so earnest; he wanted Shiro to understand how grateful he felt. How he didn’t know what he would have done without Shiro there to support him and to help get him through everything.

"It's a privilege to worry about you." Shiro nodded towards the others. "All of you."

Shiro often thought about their parents. He didn't know them all, but he could picture them, worrying, crying and loving these kids. Raising them with such care and affection and to now be away from them? To not be able to look after them? Or to even check up on them? Shiro had a lot to be responsible for. If something happened to one of them and they made it back home, Shiro was going to be the one to have to explain it to their parents. The responsibility was horrible and breathtaking all at once. Shiro wanted to be deserving of it all.

"I'm honored to have a caring, smart and amazing team. You deserve the best leader and I try to be that, even though I fall short a lot. It's my privilege, okay?"

Lance nodded and found he had gone a bit misty eyed. Shiro stood from his chair and pulled him into a hug. Lance wrapped his arms around him and buried his face into his shoulder.

"Thank you, Lance." Shiro whispered. Lance felt the tears escape his eyes. A moment later, they all joined in, creating one huge group hug with Lance being crushed in the middle with Shiro. Hunk was patting his back and Pidge was working on crushing his ribcage. Keith was being hugged by both Hunk and Coran and it made Lance laugh at his startled expression. Allura was there too, finding a place near Coran and Keith.

Soon they were all laughing and Lance was startled when he realized how peaceful he felt. He was happy and, in that moment, he was safe with his friends. It felt as though the darkness could never reach him there.

It felt like home.

 

The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shiro's coupon booklet is such a cheesy dad gift. That made me happy. 
> 
> It is very possible that I may write another part to this in the future. It will happen if a story line grabs me.  
> I hope everyone enjoyed it. See you all next time. 
> 
> Please do comment. I need them right now.


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